Archive for the ‘ holidays ’ Category

Happy National Scotch Day

I suppose you can celebrate by either getting loaded or reading some Faulkner

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Happy Bastille Day, everyone

Go have some cake

And be sure to liberate your inhibitions by drinking liberal and excessive amounts of cheap red wine.

How to Make Everyone Hate Disneylands Autopia Ride Even More

Disneyland is overrated. Let’s face it. The lines suck. Kids are a pain in the ass.

The rides aren’t as much fun as they look after standing for forty-five minutes plus during a summer in the hot Southern California sun.

At least Universal Studios has the decency to sell alcohol. At least in Universal Studios I can crack open a big can of Heinekken or Budlight for a very worthwhile $10 and hop on the Studio Tour. That shark is a lot more convincing after a few.

Long story short, Disneyland can be a complete pain in the ass.

Unless you know how to play your cards right.

I’m pretty sure it was Shakespeare who said that the world is your oyster. Actually, I might have gotten that from Scarface. Maybe. Anyway, the best way to get your money’s worth is to do the following:

Take the shittiest ride possible. That’s right: Autopia.

You stand in a line only to go sit in a car to pretend to drive, limited by a track and a maximum speed limit of maybe 3 mph. Maybe. Although each car has it’s “own personality,” the reality is that you’ve just stood for forty minutes to take part in a massive Chevron commercial that is about as unfun as you can get, and regardless of what car you are randomly assigned the fact still remains that the car can’t top more than three fucking miles per hour.. The half-life of the novelty of this ride disintegrates exponentially after you get your real driver’s license.

So instead of “burning rubber” why not take it to the next level and try to set the record for being clocked for the slowest time possible completing the track?

Sure, by the time you get five cars of kids behind you hootin & hollerin to go faster you might loose your gumption and go the full 3 mph possible. But, a quick yell over your shoulder that “slow and steady wins the race!” or “The way I remember it the hare never won that race!” should settle their hash.

And you’ll get your money’s worth. Instead of hopping back onto the burning sidewalk and racing to go stand in line again, you can stretch out your enjoyment for a full eight minutes. That’s a record.